Art has always been a part of who I am. But it isn't just a part of who I am. It's a part of who everyone is. Even that right brain boss at your work who can't undo the crease between her brow for fear it will disrupt her flow of analytical thought process.

Yes...even she is an artist. When she cooks a scramble in the morning and garnishes the plate with tomato and parsley. That is art.

Lately everything my hand or brain or heart touches just drips with art. I can't let it escape me, without some trace of beauty or lure on it. I have to redeem it. Beautify it. Embellish it.

I can't help but think that by doing this I am somehow redeeming my self in some small way. When I look at my physical self I see what some may call beauty, but I know my human self to be dark and ugly, and it stares back at me from every shiny surface. So by turning every dark thing into beauty, I have little chances all day to redeem small corners of my world that would otherwise be darkened by my humaness.

Hmmm.

Have you ever awoken at night with the feeling that you could not breath in? Maybe you felt panicked for a second feeling that you may die?

You are not alone in this feeling. Actually, this is quite common as I have found out.

As a very small child I grew up with sever asthma that kept me in and out of the doctor's and hospital. It was an irritating way to grow up for sure; with constant trips to the nurse's office for my 10 life giving inhalers. But honestly, the most nerve-racking of all were the sleepless nights I spent afraid to sleep after an asthma attack, or trip to the hospital.

The first time I actually experienced this phenomenon, I was maybe nine years old. I awoke unable to breath in at all. It felt like there were hands at my throat and something physically on my chest. I was a reasonable child (even at nine), who enjoyed horror films and understood separation between "make believe" and reality, so I thought I must be dreaming and simply opening my eyes should wake me up and "break the spell," or dream in this case.

Much to my horror when I opened my eyes, I saw right in my face the most frightening, real, and demonic creature literally in some mode of attack on me. My immediate reaction was to scream, but I could not, as the creature was choking me. I closed my eyes, desperately praying for a breath in, and a grasp on reality. Than a thought came to me. This thing may actually be real. It seemed unreasonable to think so, but seeing as I could not breath or call for help, I decided to go with that thought. I remembered a stories in the Bible where people literally just commanded demons away in the "Name of Jesus." And it worked. And heck, if it worked on that freak show in "Exorcism" it should work for this scary demon hanging in my room, right? So in the biggest whisper I could manage, between the demon's tight grasp on my throat, I commanded it "away in the name of Jesus Christ!" And literally...the thing like got pissed and dissipated. It was crazy.

I wish I could tell you that was my only experience with this "Night Mare," but I cannot. I am often haunted by it, even to this day. And there's more. I know at least five other non-commitable people who have had a similar experience on an ongoing basis; one being my husband.

Out of the six of us, four of us are musicians and three of us have asthma. I personally think this means that this particular demon knows how to play on people's individual fears.

Recently, while searching for imagery for our upcoming album, my husband stumbled on some folklore, art and even actual accounts throughout history of this demon. It was called the Mare, or old hag, who would come in the night and sit on your chest. The accounts are different, but I'm adding some below, as well as classic art that depict these legends/ accounts.

In Germany...

"The alp is a demonic being which presses upon sleeping people so that they cannot utter a sound. These attacks are called Alpdrücke (nightmares).

A girl told how the alp came to her through a keyhole. She was not able to call for help. Later, she therefore asked her sister to call out her name in the night, and then the alp would go back out through the keyhole.

In Zwickau they claim that the alp will go away if one invites him for coffee the following morning.

It is also believed that the alp crushes animals to death. For example, if young geese, are placed in a pig pen and then die it is said that the alp crushed them to death. If rabbits die, and it appears that they have been crushed, a broom is placed in their pen, which protects them against the alp." see more here

Absolute Astronomy gives the following definition and exploration:

A nightmare is a dream

Dreams are sequence s, sounds and feelings experienced while sleeping, strongly associated with rapid eye movement sleep. The contents and biological purposes of dreams are not fully understood, though they have been a topic of speculation and interest throughout recorded history....
which causes a strong unpleasant emotional response from the sleeper, typically fear or horror, being in situations of extreme danger, or the sensations of pain, bad events, falling, drowning or death. Such dreams can be related to physical

Physical

Physical can mean any of the following things below:* Any entity which are composed of matter and/or energy, as well as the physical property of those entities; and not merely items of thought or belief....
causes such as a high fever, turned faced down on a pillow during sleep (most often in the case of drowning nightmares), or psychological ones such as psychological trauma

Psychological trauma

Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a traumatic event. When that trauma leads to posttraumatic stress disorder, damage may involve physical changes inside the brain and to brain chemistry, which affect the person's ability to cope with Stress ....
or stress

Stress (medicine)

Stress is a biological term which refers to the consequences of the failure of a human or animal body to respond appropriately to emotional or body threats to the organism, whether actual or imagined....
in the sleeper's life, or can have no apparent cause. If a person has experienced a psychologically traumatic situation in life—for example, a person who may have been captured and tortured—the experience may come back to haunt them in their nightmares. Sleepers may waken in a state of distress and be unable to get back to sleep for some time. Eating before bed, which triggers an increase in the body's metabolism and brain activity, is another potential stimulus for nightmares.

Occasional nightmares are commonplace, but recurrent nightmares can interfere with sleep

Sleep

Sleep is the natural state of bodily rest observed in humans and other animals. It is common to all mammals and birds, and is also seen in many reptiles, amphibians and fish....
and may cause people to seek medical help. A recently proposed treatment consists of imagery rehearsal. This approach appears to reduce the effects of nightmares and other symptoms in acute stress disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder

Posttraumatic stress disorder is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to one or more traumatic events that threatened or caused grave physical harm....
.

Practitioners of lucid dreaming

Lucid dreaming

A lucid dream is a dream in which the person is aware that they are dreaming while the dream is in progress, also known as a conscious dream....
claim that it can help conquer nightmares of this type, rather than of the traditional type (see below).

Historic use of term

Nightmare was the original term for the state later known as (cf. Mary Shelley

Mary Shelley

In religion, folklore, and mythology a demon is a supernatural being that is generally described as a malevolent spirit. In Christian terms demons are generally understood as fallen angels, formerly of God....
s and more specifically incubi

Incubus (demon)

The term Old High German refers to the earliest stage of the German language and it conventionally covers the period from around 500 to 1050. Coherent written texts do not appear until the second half of the 8th century, and some treat the period before 750 as 'prehistoric' and date the start of Old High German proper to 750 for this reason...
, -in modern german it would become "Nachtmar"-, and Old Norse mara

Mara (folklore)

In Scandinavian folklore, a mara or a mare is a supernatural creature which is believed to torment people in their sleep by sitting on their chest and "riding" them, thus causing nightmares....
), hence comes the mare part in nightmare. Etymologically cognate with Anglo-Saxon /mara/ ('incubus') may be Hellenic /Maron/ (in the Odusseid

Odyssey

The Odyssey is one of two major ancient Hellenic civilization epic poetrys attributed to Homer. It is, in part, a sequel to the Iliad, the other work traditionally ascribed to Homer....
) and Samsk?ta /Mara

Mara (demon)

In Buddhism, Mara is the demon who tempted Gautama Buddha by trying to seduce him with the vision of beauty women who, in various legends, are often said to be his daughters....
/ (supernatural antagonist of the Buddha).

Folk belief in Newfoundland, South Carolina and Georgia describe the negative figure of the Hag

HAG

HAG is a Swiss maker of model trains in H0 scale. These are high quality trains made of Die-cast toy with reliable mechanisms. This is the primary manufacturer of Swiss model trains, but they are more expensive than most brands of H0 trains, presumably due to the manufacturing process....
who leaves her physical body at night, and sits on the chest of her victim. The victim usually wakes with a feeling of terror, has difficulty breathing because of a perceived heavy invisible weight on his or her chest, and is unable to move i.e., experiences sleep paralysis

Sleep paralysis

Sleep paralysis is a condition that may occur in normal subjects or be associated with narcolepsy, cataplexy, and hypnagogic hallucinations. The pathophysiology of this condition is closely related to the normal REM atonia that occur during REM sleep....
. This nightmare experience is described as being "hag-ridden" in the Gullah

Gullah

The Gullah are African Americans who live in the South Carolina Low Country region of South Carolina and Golden Isles of Georgia, which includes both the coastal plain and the Sea Islands....
lore. The "Old Hag" was a nightmare spirit in British and also Anglophone North American folklore.

http://www.absoluteastronomy.com/topics/Nightmare

So...Nightmares or reality? Or in between? Or is it subjective? You decide for yourself.

Let's Talk about Hypocrites for a Second...

So. Here's the thing; we've all had people in our lives that have lived to tear us down. They are our so called "friends," so it is done completely out of love. Oh, but of course!

Let us note that there is a difference between helpful, loving criticism meant to encourage growth in our lives, and the hypocritical tearing down of one's spiritual, physical and emotional being.

Is any one person better than another? No! We all posses the same base human qualities. We all have the ability to love and to hurt.

We all have to be able to look at ourselves and realize that we are human, imperfect beings, just like everyone else. And just like everyone else, we are valued.

So why do some find it necessary to tear others down? Why do some feed on contantly defaming others around them? Usually it is just to feed their need to be superior in some sense.

If you are insecure; that's okay. Everyone is to some extent. You don't have to shoot down someone else's confidence to feed your own.

I've learned lately to choose carefully those people that I will allow close to my heart. Why? I've had a few hard knocks with hypocritical love. I've allowed people close to me to tear at me. I know that I am no better person than the next. I have all the same base qualities. But I also know that because we all have the ability to hurt, we have to protect our hearts.

Here's what I think; if you have the gall to slander a friend to someone else, or cut a friend down, you must think you are above reproach in those areas. Wow. Doesn't that put perspective on that?

We've all done it. We've all hurt someone in this way. What kind of damage have we cause?

We've all allowed people to hurt us in this way. Why? Do we need that person's acceptance and "friendship" that much? Not really. If you confront them and they continue on with it, they probobly aren't a true friend to begin with. They are probobly someone you should hold at arm's length. Not because you are better; to protect your heart. This type of thing is a disease. If you let it into your heart, you may start to see it flowing in your veins. You may in turn find yourself passing this hurt on.

Anyways...these are the things I've been thinking about. I've had to do some "heart protection" lately.

Check out this song I wrote a few years back about this:

HYPOCRITICAL LOVER

Lyrics by Melony Belfleur

Music by Melony Belfleur and Ian Belloso

©2006 Melony Belfleur and Ian Belloso (ASCAP)

Verse 1

You told me to stop the tears from falling

but I'd like to see you cry for once

And who are you to make me cry,

Then slap me in the face and tell me I've hurt you?

Who are you to make me guilty?

Who are you?…

Who are you?…

Who are you?...

CHORUS

You are my hypocritical lover

You are the reason I live, the reason I die inside

You are my hypocritical lover

You are the reason I smile, the reason I cry inside

You are the reason I stay but emotion'ly leave inside…whoa…

Verse 2

You are both my enemy and my best friend

I'm sure I've held you too high in my regard

But who are you to put me down?

You dismembered me piece by piece,

then told me I tore you down.

Who are you to make me guilty?

Who are you?…

Who are you?…

Who are you?...

Who are you?…

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Thanks for listening to my rantings.

Welcome to my blog...to me..

Welcome to a look inside my head daily...or as close to daily as I can make myself write. This is my first post here on "melanchoholic dreamer."

I am an artist; all around. I write, dream, paint, act, model, write/play/sing/record, and by day I'm a hair stylist.

To stay "human" we have to keep dreaming, but I think my dreams are mixed with melancholy...if that makes sense to anyone.

There are the dreams we reach for; our aspirations and goals, and then those that chase us in the dark corners of our thoughts. Melancholy.

There is a song I wrote a while back that totally catches this in the bridge. Here's the song, but really check out the bridge. We all have "demons" of melancholy that haunt little corners of our thoughts.

DEMONS (Show Yourself To Me)

By Mel Bellefleur ©Bellefleur Music 2008

Verse 1:

Are you in the dark when I see demons?

Will you fight to keep my soul from fading?

Please illuminate my weakened eyes

I need more than blind reasoning

I am weak so hold me close again

I need to believe you are with me for good

Chorus:

Show yourself to me

Reveal love to me

Show yourself to me

Fight the dark with me

Shed some light on life

Show yourself to me

Verse 2:

Are you with me when all good wanes

Will you hold my hand when light turns dark?

Will I see your face in places grave

Can I learn to fall into your arms?

When demons scream vile threats in my face

Will I reach for you; will you be there?

Bridge:

This is the lullaby of sleepless minds

Just in between nightmares and reality

Magnanimous threats grow in this place

And like drugs control the open mind

Mel returned to Nashville in November and Bellefleur is now officially in pre-production for the new recordings. We will be adding progress updates via blog and video blogs soon!

 I added two works-in-progress to the MySpace and to our website on the music 

Desperate Healing  is an almost finished version that will be on the forthcoming new album. 

Madison is just a preview of a song Mel and I started working on while still with Melator. The song is finished but the recording is not, thus the preview. 

You will notice that Mel's voice is conspicuously absent from both tracks since they were recorded while  she was in Oklahoma with her folks. Rest assured that I will continue to provide exclusive previews of the new stuff once she returns though. We are both so excited about the new direction. I can hardly wait.